fanfreakintastic

(this was written a week ago, and held in draft until now)

Mr couldn't get out of bed this morning.  He was too tired, too exhausted to do anything but call in sick and go back to sleep.  He slept until10 this morning.  He may have been awake earlier than that, but he stayed in bed. 
When it first became obvious that he wasn't getting up, I went to The Teens room to wake him for his shower and such.  He said he wasn't going to shower so he could sleep.  He walked himself to school.  I got Little Man dressed, got the boys lunches made, and headed out to commute Little Man to school.  After dropping him off, I headed to free wi-fi and got phone numbers for Mr's work and came home to see if I needed to call in for him.  I did not.  Mr was still in bed, and I watched TV.  Mr got up as I was readying myself for work.  We chatted for a bit.  When it was time for me to leave, I went to give him a kiss goodbye (as I always do) and he put his hands on my hips and tried to hold me there...but I backed away.  Am I cruel?  I do not want his affection anymore.  It always seems to me to be this forced action, or a desperate attempt to be what he thinks I want him to be. And I did want him to be that.  I fought for years for him to come out and be more affectionate, more passionate.  But he always said he couldn't.  Wouldn't.  So I stopped trying, stopped expecting, stopped wanting.  Started looking elsewhere. 

Even my mother as conservative and haggish as she can be, told me to go out and have an affair.  Do I take motherly advice?

I am working on my escape plan.  Trying to find work that will allow me to move out on my own.  It is a terrifying thought.  Leaving my boys.  But Mr is the one with a good income.  I wouldn't be making much more than $2,000 a month.  Not a whole lot for room, board, and kids.  The teen is less than a year from being 18 so he wouldn't be much of a factor in the whole custody thing.  But Little Man is only 6.  And a special 6 at that.  He is autistic.  Change of routine upsets him greatly.  I fear his reaction.  I truly do.  But I need to be less miserable so that I can enjoy my time with him and The Teen as much as possible.  Why does it have to be so complicated?