Yes, that's my brain scattered on the floor.

I don't like to mess things up.  I know...no really enjoys it.

But when I do stupid stuff on a regular basis...I get really frustrated and at times rather agitated.  At the cafe, I would regularly forget how to make the house salad.  Really? 

On Saturday, I went from one birthday party (for a seven year old) to another one for a 16 year old.  After the second party, I was to go pick up a computer and take it to the theatre where I was to run sound.  Did I remember to get the computer first?  No.  Does the sound run off the computer?  Of course it does. I had to run back for the computer, run back to the theatre, and had a mere 10 minutes to set up the computer and test the sound board (and pee).  Amazingly enough, I got through the show without screwing up.  I got minimal sleep last night, and had to drive half an hour to get my kid, go to breakfast and get to the theater.  We were 10 minutes late.  No biggie.  Get the cash drawer ready...and at the end of 'my shift' I counted out the drawer and was $56 over!  I know I suck at math, but really...?  The only thing I can figure is that I forgot to enter some of the sold tickets into the excel. (which I HATE).  But I feel stupid and am embarrassed.  I was supposed to stay and watch the show, but was so furious with myself, and embarrassed, I came home, changed and sent Mr. to get the teen from the show and drive him to practice.   I know this would be a minor irritation for most people.  But it really pissed me off.  I am not dumb.  I am not typically a flaky person.  I am punctual.  And when these things fail me, I feel like I have failed those around me.
Mr. listened to what I had to say about being mad... and said "Sorry".  And just continued on his way.  It is so frustrating.  For him, that is HUGE sympathy.  To me, it feels hollow.  I KNOW for him it is big, and I know it is hard and I should be happy he expresses anything at all...but after 18 years.....
 The other day, I was thinking about my behavior.  The way I answer texts and questions.  The answers are very brief.  "what are you doing?" "watching dumb TV"  and that's it.  I don't follow it up with "What are you up to?"  Or "wanna come watch dumb tv with me?"  After all these years of trying o draw Mr. out into the empathetic and social world, and feeling like I have failed... I realize that in many ways, I have allowed myself to get drawn into his apathetic way of being.  I don't like it.  Not one little bit.   Instead of finding him, I lost me.