I want to sleep. It is all I want to do. Sleep. I wake in the morning, and want to go back to sleep. I nap in the afternoon and after waking, can't wait for it to be bedtime again. Am I really this tired? Yes, but it is not a lack of sleep. I want to sleep not because I am sleepy. I want to sleep because I am tired of my life. I want to sleep my way through it. I want to be in a state blissfully unaware of the crap I have yet to figure out. (no, I am not suicidal)
What is wrong with Mr? He FINALLY got checked out for his weird physical symptoms. The tremors, the difficulty walking, the facial numbness and of course the two year long struggle with occasional E.D. Turns out the doctors couldn't find a physical reasoning behind the symptoms. They tested his blood for every vitamin and mineral shortage or overage. He was given a CT and an MRI, and a blood test for Myelin. NOTHING was found to be out of the ordinary. So now he is faced with how to deal with the fact that these symptoms are physiological. If these symptoms are from Anxiety, how to manage them, without taking meds that will make him sleep so that he is incapacitated and unable to work. The symptoms on their bad days make him unable to work. Though they do seem to have settled down of late. We haven't spoken much about the decisions he needs to make. What therapy to seek, if to seek any at all. That should not be a surprise to anyone.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Pussy vs. Balls
My best friend sent me a text last night asking "if dudes can say 'bros before hos' can we say "twats before cocks"? I say we gals start a movement. Seriously, if that is how they see us, we should return the favor.
So often you hear "grow a pair" or "you got balls" or some kind of similar phrasing that links testicles to strength and bravery. Even I have been known to use such colloquialisms. But as I have been in the 'dating' scene for about a year now.... I have to say, these men need to grow pussies. Those of us with them are brave and strong and sure. We put ourselves out there. Hoping we won't get hurt, knowing perfectly well we just might get hurt no matter what. Men seem all too obliged to prove us right on the latter.
I want to tell the men who have just stopped talking to me: No good-bye, no argument, no "I'm not interested" Or even "Um... whore, go away" Usually I would say "grow some fucking balls and tell me" but you know what.... I think they need to grow pussies. Find the strength to be honest. Disappearing messes with us more.... or is that your point? You want us to sit and wonder what we did wrong? Were you in a car accident? Or are you just a complete fucking asshole? To care so little for women is a disgrace. It's emotionally abusive. It's just mean and makes you look like a jerk.
I think it is a simple request I make when I start seeing someone: if you are not interested, or change your mind, or decide to go back to your wife and kids, tell me. I am not a shrinking violet. I am not a dude with my dick waving in the wind and withering. I am a woman, and I have the pussy you could have had. But instead, you have balls, and THAT apparently makes you a fucking coward.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
STFU
Mr is fully aware that my mother just broke her two month old titanium knee. Mr knows that she was going into surgery. I am not at home, I am watching a friend's kids. I called Mr to give the most recent update on my mother. He talked about his enjoyment of the quiet then shoed me off the phone so he could eat his dinner. " I was just nuking my dinner when you called. I'm kinda hungry... so I'm going to eat before it gets cold. " Thanks for your concern Mr. STU.
Friday, April 20, 2012
From my mom...
I meant to post this a while ago. Seems to almost be inappropriate under the circumstances... but here it is anyway.
This is a copy and paste (with names changed to protect the 'innocent') from an e-mail from my mother...
.teach yourself to live like Mr is just a renter who pays the rent. Treat him like someone who just lives there, kind of like it seems that he treats you.
One can sleep in the same bed with no connection......or get twin beds. That way you can have air blowing on you in the summer and it won't bother him.
You can leave him notes as to what you want him to do so he can't say---I didn't know.
If you can detach yourself emotionally as much as possible and live your life as you would like. Go have an affair......everyone needs emotional support and you are not going to get it at home. You deserve to be loved. Just be careful!
Am I really saying this???????????????
.teach yourself to live like Mr is just a renter who pays the rent. Treat him like someone who just lives there, kind of like it seems that he treats you.
One can sleep in the same bed with no connection......or get twin beds. That way you can have air blowing on you in the summer and it won't bother him.
You can leave him notes as to what you want him to do so he can't say---I didn't know.
If you can detach yourself emotionally as much as possible and live your life as you would like. Go have an affair......everyone needs emotional support and you are not going to get it at home. You deserve to be loved. Just be careful!
Am I really saying this???????????????
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Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Been a few day. Been kinda manic.
I met a man and I like him. I shouldn't. He seems to have hang ups that don't seem right to me. I will call him PJ. He apparently used to be quite the racist. SS lightning bolts tattoo and everything. Those seem to be covered up now (haven't looked) but I met him through a mutual friend who is black. He uses words I would never use. I have never heard him use the N word, or the C word. But have been told he has been known to at least use the C word. The story goes that there is a transgendered in the group... He is on hormones to be She. PJ more often than not uses the masculine name for Transgender than the feminine. PJ called Transgender a Cunt. Not cool man, not cool at all.
But PJ now will not talk to me. He won't even acknowledge me. Which is just dumb and immature. Why do men have to be so dumb and immature? He was a PJ in the Air Force. He is a prison guard for the State. You would think that he would be tougher than this. Wiser. Whatever. He needs a big rack for all the issues he has. And I don't want to sort them out.
I met a man and I like him. I shouldn't. He seems to have hang ups that don't seem right to me. I will call him PJ. He apparently used to be quite the racist. SS lightning bolts tattoo and everything. Those seem to be covered up now (haven't looked) but I met him through a mutual friend who is black. He uses words I would never use. I have never heard him use the N word, or the C word. But have been told he has been known to at least use the C word. The story goes that there is a transgendered in the group... He is on hormones to be She. PJ more often than not uses the masculine name for Transgender than the feminine. PJ called Transgender a Cunt. Not cool man, not cool at all.
But PJ now will not talk to me. He won't even acknowledge me. Which is just dumb and immature. Why do men have to be so dumb and immature? He was a PJ in the Air Force. He is a prison guard for the State. You would think that he would be tougher than this. Wiser. Whatever. He needs a big rack for all the issues he has. And I don't want to sort them out.
fanfreakintastic
(this was written a week ago, and held in draft until now)
Mr couldn't get out of bed this morning. He was too tired, too exhausted to do anything but call in sick and go back to sleep. He slept until10 this morning. He may have been awake earlier than that, but he stayed in bed.
When it first became obvious that he wasn't getting up, I went to The Teens room to wake him for his shower and such. He said he wasn't going to shower so he could sleep. He walked himself to school. I got Little Man dressed, got the boys lunches made, and headed out to commute Little Man to school. After dropping him off, I headed to free wi-fi and got phone numbers for Mr's work and came home to see if I needed to call in for him. I did not. Mr was still in bed, and I watched TV. Mr got up as I was readying myself for work. We chatted for a bit. When it was time for me to leave, I went to give him a kiss goodbye (as I always do) and he put his hands on my hips and tried to hold me there...but I backed away. Am I cruel? I do not want his affection anymore. It always seems to me to be this forced action, or a desperate attempt to be what he thinks I want him to be. And I did want him to be that. I fought for years for him to come out and be more affectionate, more passionate. But he always said he couldn't. Wouldn't. So I stopped trying, stopped expecting, stopped wanting. Started looking elsewhere.
Even my mother as conservative and haggish as she can be, told me to go out and have an affair. Do I take motherly advice?
I am working on my escape plan. Trying to find work that will allow me to move out on my own. It is a terrifying thought. Leaving my boys. But Mr is the one with a good income. I wouldn't be making much more than $2,000 a month. Not a whole lot for room, board, and kids. The teen is less than a year from being 18 so he wouldn't be much of a factor in the whole custody thing. But Little Man is only 6. And a special 6 at that. He is autistic. Change of routine upsets him greatly. I fear his reaction. I truly do. But I need to be less miserable so that I can enjoy my time with him and The Teen as much as possible. Why does it have to be so complicated?
Mr couldn't get out of bed this morning. He was too tired, too exhausted to do anything but call in sick and go back to sleep. He slept until10 this morning. He may have been awake earlier than that, but he stayed in bed.
When it first became obvious that he wasn't getting up, I went to The Teens room to wake him for his shower and such. He said he wasn't going to shower so he could sleep. He walked himself to school. I got Little Man dressed, got the boys lunches made, and headed out to commute Little Man to school. After dropping him off, I headed to free wi-fi and got phone numbers for Mr's work and came home to see if I needed to call in for him. I did not. Mr was still in bed, and I watched TV. Mr got up as I was readying myself for work. We chatted for a bit. When it was time for me to leave, I went to give him a kiss goodbye (as I always do) and he put his hands on my hips and tried to hold me there...but I backed away. Am I cruel? I do not want his affection anymore. It always seems to me to be this forced action, or a desperate attempt to be what he thinks I want him to be. And I did want him to be that. I fought for years for him to come out and be more affectionate, more passionate. But he always said he couldn't. Wouldn't. So I stopped trying, stopped expecting, stopped wanting. Started looking elsewhere.
Even my mother as conservative and haggish as she can be, told me to go out and have an affair. Do I take motherly advice?
I am working on my escape plan. Trying to find work that will allow me to move out on my own. It is a terrifying thought. Leaving my boys. But Mr is the one with a good income. I wouldn't be making much more than $2,000 a month. Not a whole lot for room, board, and kids. The teen is less than a year from being 18 so he wouldn't be much of a factor in the whole custody thing. But Little Man is only 6. And a special 6 at that. He is autistic. Change of routine upsets him greatly. I fear his reaction. I truly do. But I need to be less miserable so that I can enjoy my time with him and The Teen as much as possible. Why does it have to be so complicated?
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